It seems my swirling mound of straw needs to release before it will let me slip away to snore land.
So it goes.
Today had peaks and valleys. The peaks were uplifting, but today was a day where no matter how elevated I was, what hit me hardest was how low the valleys were. Antagonist had a mic today and a mouthful of venom. She stabbed at all of my soft spots and sent me down a shame spiral. I have to be patient with myself and feel sympathy for the mean girl who dwells in my head. Clearly she needs a cookie and a hug. Not in that order.
Things out of my control are just that--out of my control. Not my problem. Not my fault. Not my place to dwell.
A new friend/teacher has recently entered my life, bringing light + wisdom + joy. Effervescent soul!
This sparkling friend took a tumble and landed in the hospital. We aren't close enough for me to do anything. I can't send a card, I don't even know where I'd send it. I know where my energy went as soon as I heard the news. The gears in my mind clicked into overdrive, darkness fell. I didn't realize it until tonight but I related this trauma to the living nightmare Kev was recently in. When he told me he fainted, I wanted to scoop him into my arms and carry him to safety. I can't think of a time I've been happier to see him, as I was the day I picked him up from the hospital. I adore that man. I carry him in my heart and I name him in every prayer and expression of gratitude. He's a treasure and I'd do anything for him. It's funny how people can be in my life for years and make such a tiny impact, and others can enter boldly and swiftly command my adoration. Kev is an example of the latter. It's been 4 years now, and I've felt significant compassion + love since I first laid eyes on him. He didn't do anything to earn my trust, he somehow had it immediately. The last 4 years have confirmed he's worthy of any and all of what I have to give.
Tonight we went to our ritual change of the seasons event. I enjoy it, he basks in it. I love being around him. He lights me up. Paralyzes me, sure... It's such a blessing to see him happy. He seemed different tonight. Clearer. Cozy. Comfortable.
I'm grateful for these two teachers who are in my life. One recently admitted (to the hospital and to my world), and one who has been cracking me open for 4 years. I pray for their health and happiness. I wish for more time with both of these amazing gentlemen.
Ease. Grace. Peace.